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A Letter to the Editor

Dear Captain Glyn Morgan

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriends 1.0 thru 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Sport 5.0 and Fishing 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Sandra Bullock

The Editor's Reply

Dear Sandra

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create snoringloudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9 but Smile 1.01 may be the best.

Good luck!!!!
Glyn


How to Bag One Hundred Guinea Fowl in One Night!

When I was a kid in Newcastle, Natal, South Africa, we used to supply the local butcher with his stock of Guinea Fowl. Kids in rural South Africa do a lot of hunting/shooting/fishing type things. Guinea fowl are sort of African wild chickens with black feathers with white spots and a blue head topped with a red comb. They make good eating if you like game-bird type taste. Normally they are bagged using a shotgun but eating them can be a bit of a mission, spitting the shot out. I had a 410 shotgun, a Savage 33 bolt action with a five cartridge magazine. So what we did was this....
We would soak a packet (250 grams) of raisins in water overnight, they got all plump and round. The next morning we'd cut a few handfuls of hair from the mane of my kid brother's horse. These are stiff, long, springy hairs, the kind you grab when the nag is frisky. They would be wound around a pin and pushed into the middle of a plump raisin. A hundred or more raisins would be stuffed with a coiled up piece of horse-hair.
The guinea fowl or tarentaal, as they are known to the Afrikaners, eat during the day, they peck at any seed or seedling they see and are a bit of a pest for the maize farmers. In the late afternoon they make their way to their favourite tree and go to roost for the night at about sunset. This is their downfall!
The plan was to creep up to their tree and scatter the hair-filled raisins under the guinea fowls roost before sunset. They would saunter up to the raisins, gobble them up and then fly into the tree for the night, safe from jackals and other hungry beasts. At around eight that evening they would start to fall out of the tree, like a local hail storm! Yes, they would literally fall out of the tree! By their hundreds, or maybe dozens at least. When the plopping of the guinea fowl stopped it was time to fill our bags (maize sack, 72lb) with fresh dead birds! That would be a month's supply for the butcher.
You see, what happened was this. The birds would eat the raisins and digest them. As you know it takes about two hours to digest a raisin. When the skin of the raisin was digested the horse-hair would spring straight out of it's coil and the bird would die of fright! Heart attack. We made a fortune!

The Incident at the Local Filling Station.

A friend of mine went to fill up his petrol tank (gas tank to the Yanks) a few days ago at the local ESSO service station and while he was there this happened......
The local market gardener, a Portuguese guy called Pedro, pulled up in his old Ford truck, loaded with cabbages, and asked for some petrol. The pump attendant (we do have them in South Africa) proceeded to put double the requested amount into the tank. Pedro went crazy. Naturally. He refused to pay the inflated amount. There was a lot of shouting, threats and so on.
The pump attendant got into a huff and threw the truck keys into the tank! There was a lot more yelling and swearing. Pedro eventually said that he would pay for the petrol later if somebody could just get the keys out of the tank. They tried hooked wire and magnets to get the keys out but nothing worked. Eventually the manager got a beggar from across the street to come over and try to put his polio deformed arm down the filler pipe. He did this and just as he got a grip on the keys he let out the most blood-curdling scream! His hand was trapped in the tank and he could not get it out, he was tugging and wrenching at his arm, screaming all the time. It was awful! It came out after a lot pulling by the bystanders. The hand was blood-soaked and really mangled. Shredded. Horrible! Everyone was confused and mystified over what could do that. What was it?
Later it was discovered that there was.......... a tiger in the tank!


How to Whack a Submarine!

My uncle was in the Navy during the War. That is of course the Second World war. He used to tell us about his time there. Amongst other stories he told us there was this one....
He was based in Trincomalee in Ceylon, as they called it then and they would go out every now and then on his destroyer to chase the dreaded Japanese. When they detected a Japanese submarine they would not use depth charges as there was a shortage of ammunition but they had an alternative plan.....
The destroyer's engines would be stopped and the crew would get out a few cans of blue paint. These cans would be tied to the stern rail and some holes would be punched into the cans to allow the paint to leak out. As you know the oil-based paint floats on the water so this would spread out and cover a big area around the ship.
The Japanese would, after some time of not hearing the destroyers engines, be curious. They would raise the sub's periscope a bit and then a bit more in easy stages. As the periscope broke through the surface of the sea it would go through the layer of blue paint. This paint would cover the lens of the scope and the Japanese commander would see blue and think that he was still under water. So up he came, up some more, then some more and some more. The sub would rise up and up and up and when it was at about fifty foot above sea-level the sailors on the destroyer would shoot it down with anti-aircraft guns. It is true! My uncle said so.

This is a True Story of Life on the Ocean Wave

My first voyage as Third Officer was on a five hatch general cargo ship called the S.A.Shipper, an ex Clan Line steamer. It had all the usual bits of a typical general cargo ship, derricks on all the masts with an forty five ton jumbo at hatch number two and a twenty five tonner at hatch number four, those were big for that time. There were twelve plush passenger cabins, an officers lounge with bar and steward included but no air conditioning. We were tough in those days; tough and sweaty.
The Second Mate, Horst, was my pal, half Russian and half German, had his own beer tankard hanging in the bar, took his beer seriously but was not an alky. He was not popular with the Captain, who on his own admission had won The War single handed against the Germans and hated the vile red commie Russian peasants. The Captain didn't like junior officers either, they were just not like they were in the good old days when he was a junior officer! He would talk to a three-striper but nothing less.
One evening Horst and I entered the officer's lounge for a beer when the Captain said to the steward, in a voice that was just loud enough for all to hear "give the boys an orange juice". Insulting bastard. I kept a low profile and said nothing, Horst said, in a voice just loud enough for all to hear "double rum and Coke", in his heavy Russo/Germanic accent. This immediately raised heads as he always had beer, never hard tack. The steward put the double rum down together with an old fashioned bottle of Coke. The Horst downed the double rum in one gulp, slid the coke back to the steward and said, again in that voice that carried, "give za Coke to za Captain". The silence was thunderous! A fantastic put-down for an arrogant snob.


Noodles!

An Irishman was the first European to discover China and to bring noodles back to Europe!
Yes! He had a good old Irish name; Mark O'Polo.


Chinese is an Easy Language to Learn!

Yes! Go to China and you will hear all the children speaking Chinese, it's that easy!


Do Sailors have A Girl in Every Port?

I deny that I "have a girl in every port"!
I have never been to Bombay!


Thoughts on Marriage

He thinks: Aisle - altar - hymn.
She thinks: I'll - alter - him!


Mixed Fruit Salad

Would you like some mixed fruit salad, sir?
Yes please, but not too many watermelons!


Wind Power

No matter how many those big propellers they put on hill-tops they will never get those hill-tops to fly!


We were so Poor!

When I was young we were so poor! We lived on a dairy farm in the high Drakensberg Mountains near Newcastle in Natal, now called KwaZulu/Natal. In the wintertime it gets very cold up there, sometimes snows on the high ground and always there is a heavy frost in the mornings. On a dairy farm the cows are milked at five in the morning and in the afternoon, without fail. So early every morning my brothers and I would go up to the top field to drive the cows down to the milking shed; they did not need much pushing as milking is a favourite time for cows, a warm shed and some tasty grain to chomp. Trouble was we were so poor that we did not have any shoes. So we ran up to the cows and got them moving down towards the shed as fast as we could, then all the way down to the shed we would jump from steaming cow-pat to steaming cow-pat. There is nothing quite like nice warm cowsh squidging up between ones toes on an ice-cold winter's morning. Believe me!


Son of Concord

The British and French made the fantastic Concord aircraft, the first supersonic passenger plane. It is the most beautiful plane ever designed. Of course the Americans were fanatically jealous, they think that they have a monopoly on excellence. So the Yanks designed a super-duper hypersonic plane that would fly faster, further and carry more passengers than the Concord. Trouble was it crashed when they flew it, no matter how many times they redesigned it.
Eventually, in desperation, they called in the South African who actually designed the Concord. He went over to the States and advised the plane company to make some changes. Small holes had to be drilled all over the plane, in the wings, the fuselage, the tail, no area was to be without holes. The Americans were astonished at this but they were desperate so they drilled the holes. The great day arrived and the plane taxied out amid some politicians, high tension company execs and press people. It took off, flew around a few times and then started to do rolls and loops! Amazing! It landed to the cheers of the crowd. How did the South African know what to do? was the big question The President, Larry King and just about everyone else wanted to know.
This is what he said.... "Toilet paper never tears along the perforations, why should a plane be any different?" Next time you fly Concord look carefully and you will see that it is covered in tiny little holes.


A Story from Calabria

In Southern Italy lots of Italians drive those little Fiat 850's. Well, there are also a lot of stray dogs running loose. So when a driver sees a stray he just goes for it with his Fiat and runs it over, wham! The roadkill (the dog, not the car) is tossed into a ditch and off he drives.
Sooner or later the flies find the dead dog and they lay their eggs on it. The maggots hatch or whatever maggots do and start to eat the dog, after a while there is this massive pile of maggots gobbling up Fido. When the maggots start to run out of dead dog they begin to eat each other, naturally. The big ones eat the medium ones who eat the small ones and so on but after some time there is only one huge, really big, maggot left as he has eaten all the smaller ones. At about this time the Fiat driver comes back and whacks the maggot on the head with a stick and takes it home. He salts it and hangs it up by the tail in the kitchen to dry, it takes about two weeks to cure. And that is how the Italians make Salami! No doubt you have seen salami hanging up by the tail in your local deli.
Have you ever wondered about those little white bits in your salami?

Danny Kaye was Right!

My two daughters are normal, fun-loving kids who had a couple of hamsters when they were a bit younger. As with all pet owners they soon got bored with the chores. So they put the two hamsters through one of those old-fashioned mincing machines, the ones with big cast iron handles. Of course the hamsters did not survive but came out as bits of fur, bone, blood and tiny little paws. The girls added sugar and water and boiled the lot for a while; making jam they said. In the end they took one look at the goo and tossed it out into the back yard.
The next morning there were thousands of flowers covering the back lawn! Literally thousands! So Danny Kaye was right! You do get Tulips from Hamster Jam!

A simple answer

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"Why? What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."


America!

You have George W. Bush
Johnny Cash
Bob Hope
Steve Wonder

South Africa!
You have Winnie Mandela
Some Cash
Little Hope
No wonder!

Navigation

By compass, nav textbook, by sextant and star
We are ninety miles from where we are!
Now where can the source of discrepancy be?
The compass, nav textbook, the sextant or me?

Anyone for quantum physics?

I Invented the Perfect Office Machine!!
To solve all your office paper problems just mount your computer printer directly over a shredder, end of all paper problems!

These are The Shorts...

* Sometimes you must have a really Bad Day, to make you realize just how Fantastic the Ordinary Days are!
* Grow your own Dope. Plant a Mugabe!
* A guy in Cape Town died of asbestosis; took them three days to cremate him!
* It is great to have a nice office chair with all the adjustments and five castors; but have you tried one on a ship when it is rolling?
* Unions are Elitist Organizations of the Employed.
* Tomorrow is today's greatest labour saving device.
* A Million is a thousand thousand, a Billion is a thousand million but how big is a Brazilian?
* The latest catch-phrase for "Unemployed" is "Freelance-Web-Site-Designer".
* The Irish have their own star constellation! Yes! It is called the Constellation of O'Ryan! The middle three stars are O'Ryans Belt, the middle star in the belt is Alnalam. The red star (O'Ryans Eye) is Betelgeuse, Bellatrix (O'Ryan's hand) is off to one side, opposite his Sword, a few small stars and Rigel is his big toe!
* In France they say "Bon Appetite", in Belgium they say "Bon Chance"!
* It is so dry in the Kalahari Desert that the trees run after the dogs!

The Formula for Success!

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where The Boss wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little maths formula that might prove helpful.

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K is 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E is 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But:
A T T I T U D E is 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And:
B U L L S H I T is 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top. But, look how far this will take you:
A S S - K I S S I N G is 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required.

The End